


Threesome is the Bestsome

by WritingBlock (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: I Don't Even Know, I had no idea this was a ship that I shipped until it was written, Multi, One of the chapters has Hermione being sold in a charity auction but it was completely voluntary, Remus is just a sweetheart so far, Severus Snape is not a good cook but his is an excellent baker, Sex is implied but not written, There's a lotta fluff folks, and an attempt at being witty, and flirting, i might change that, tags to be added as I go?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 20:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12349680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/WritingBlock
Summary: This is just a collection of one-shots based around the pairing Hermione/Remus/Severus.





	1. This is Crazy!

Hermione glared at the road in front of her as she stomped down the sidewalk. Behind her, a group of drunkards were stumbling and catcalling after her. It was undignified and she hated it.

"Hey! Young thang!" One of the men called out. "I'd take real good care of you!"

Kissing noises followed and a shiver of disgust ran up her spine. A glance over her shoulder showed Hermione that the group had grown from five to eight, and the new three didn't look like drunkards.

Fuck.

She had another six blocks until she reached her flat, and she lived in a quiet complex where people minded their own business. Unless she went into a store and waited the men out, she didn't think she would get out of whatever they had planned. Shouts sounded from behind her, and another glance revealed that the three new men had chased off the drunkards.

Double fuck.

Hermione picked up the pace, cursing the heels she was required to wear for her job. (She knew it was better to wear uncomfortable shoes than to run on the sidewalk barefoot though.) As she passed under a lamppost, two familiar figures caught her eye.

Remus Lupin and Severus Snape were both retired police officers. They had retired from the force due to injury and now lived together in the flat above hers. The two men were happily together and very rarely caused any noise complaints. (Funnily enough, Hermione had never even met the two men. All the information she had was gathered from laundry room gossip and newspapers.) Hermione took a deep breath and then called out, waving a hand over her head.

"Remus! Severus! I thought I told you you didn't have to wait for me?" Hermione took extra care in making sure her voice was steady as she crossed the street. The two men exchanged a glance and then turned towards her.

"Sorry, do we—" Remus began to speak and Hermione cut him off with a hug.

"The three men behind me have been following me for the past four blocks. I live in the flat underneath you." She hissed out the words before pulling away and turning towards Severus, giving the man a quick kiss on the cheek. "I know you don't know me, but I need you two to pretend to be my boyfriends, at least until they go away."

Hermione knew she was blushing. Both older men were fit from their days of service, and taller than her in her heels. Remus had a scar running through his eyebrow and another on his cheek, whereas Severus had a nose that had obviously been broken multiple times.

"Well... far be it for me to deny a pretty lady an escort." Remus winked at Severus and then went into a bow before taking her arm. "Besides, we didn't know what to cook for dinner."

Severus side-eyed his partner before sighing and taking her other arm. His voice was a low whisper. "May we at least know the name of our damsel?"

"Hermione, Hermione Granger."

The trio continued walking in silence, and when Hermione faked a yawn to look over her shoulder, she smiled upon seeing the three men had disappeared.

"Thank you for helping me." Hermione slowed to a stop, gently tugging her arms free of the two men. "You didn't know me and had no idea what was happening, and yet you still helped."

Remus smiled kindly, "We know when men have horrible thoughts on their minds Miss Granger."

"Is there anything I could do to pay you back?"

Both men eyed her warily before turning to look at each other. Severus raised an eyebrow and Remus huffed back at him.

"Do you know how to cook? Remus almost burnt the microwave the other day and I would hate to have a repeat."

Hermione grinned.

"Of course I do."


	2. Burnt Food Passing in the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus Snape cannot cook. At all. In fact, he ends up burning his food at least once a week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have references littered throughout, kudos to you if you can spot them!

"That's the 48th time this year!" An old woman with crazed eyes and wild hair was protesting to the firefighter next to her. "I don't see why they have yet to kick that man out."

"Well, nothing is ever damaged and he pays for it, if they are." The landlord was saying to the woman.

"And? You kicked out that one man, Tom, for owning too many cats! Fire is worse than cats in my opinion."

"Madame, I am deathly allergic to cats and this complex has a no pet policy."

Severus cannot cook to save his life.

It was something his mother laughed about, something Lily teased about, and something the residents of Altea Apartments grumbled about while gathering on the street at nine pm.

He had been attempting to reheat soup on the stove counter when a call from work distracted him. (The chemicals he had been working with had been knocked over by an intern and melted a hole through the floor. Honestly, people were such imbeciles sometimes.) He only realized that he forgot to turn the stove off when the smell of smoke filled his nose and the fire alarm went off seconds later.

"Get over there and ask!" A voice hissed from behind him, and Severus raised an eyebrow. What did they need to ask him? Some of the people living below him had already asked if he would move out, and he had scared the words back into their mouth. Was another couple really going to attempt to kick him out?

"It looks like he doesn't want any company actually." A second voice spoke, this one deeper than the last. "Besides, he'll most likely say no, kitten. The man doesn't even know us."

"Fine. I'll do it myself, Remus."

And then a small hand was tapping his arm, before a woman stepped into his line of sight. Her brown hair was pulled up into a bun on the top of her head, pencils pushed through it at random angles. Sweatpants and a large sweater adorned her figure, and a bright smile made her warm eyes sparkle. She wasn't a supermodel by any means, but she was attractive.

"Hi," she gave a small wave. "You don't really know us, but I'm Hermione and the man cowering behind you is Remus. We live in the apartment three doors to your left. I was wondering if you would like to join us for dinner?"

Oh.

…

_Oh._

Severus was used to people pitying him, but the woman - Hermione - was standing there, staring at her feet with a blush on her face. A quick scan told him that she was leaning towards him, pupils blown wide, bottom lip tucked under her teeth, and goosebumps on her skin. All of those were signs of attraction. It made sense, and yet it didn't because the man - Remus - had called her kitten. It was a pet name, one spoken with familiarity and fondness. That had to mean they were lovers. So why would she invite him to dinner, with her lover standing right there.

It was frustrating, it was confusing, and it was a puzzle.

Severus Snape loved puzzles.

"Alright, thank you." He made sure to purr the words out, and a flash of surprise went through him as the man behind him let out a tiny gasp. Severus stepped to the side and motioned with an arm. "After you."

His new position allowed him to glance at the man. He was tall, taller than Severus, and lean. Not skinny, no, those were muscles. Scars decorated what skin was visible, but instead of taking away from the man's beauty, they intensified it. His eyes were an almost golden color, hard and soft at the same time. And, to make everything even better, his cheeks were red.

Remus' eyes connected with his, and Severus made his move. He raised an eyebrow, and let his eyes roam from top to bottom. And when he was done, he slowly looked back up into the man's eyes before letting an approving smirk adorn his lips. Remus' mouth had dropped open, his eyes wide. His head jerked to look to the side of Severus before the man turned around and rushed inside.

"I hope you like dessert." Hermione said from her place next to him. Her voice was rough, and laced with humor. "Remus is fond of chocolate, and I've developed a taste for it myself. Especially dark chocolate."

This was going to be  _fun._


	3. A Baker's Bid for Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermione should not have let Ginny talk her into this. She was pretty sure she had just been sold to murder husbands. Hot murder husbands, but still murder husbands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was fun to write! I hope you enjoy!

Hermione sighed as she stood up on stage. Luna and Ginny had convinced her to join their charity auction as one of the prizes. (The couple had formed the idea when they decided that women should be able to adopt children if they wanted to, and this was a great way to raise awareness. Three years later her two best female friends had a pair of twin boys and the charity was still going to help buy baby supplies.)

"Alright gentleman and gentleladies," Ginny winked at the crowd, blowing her wife a kiss. "Our next item is a one-of-a-kind find! Hermione Granger is 26, single, and ready to mingle. Her hobbies are reading, reading, and cuddling. You will never bore if you're looking for a gal to have endless conversations with and my brother tells me that she's great at solving problems if you need an ear to listen!"

The audience laughed at that and Ginny sprinted over to her, covering the microphone.

"Okay, I need you to give me a little twirl. Maybe just turn around and bend over? Your arse looks amazing and it will raise the price."

Heat flooded Hermione's cheeks and she glared at Ginny. The redhead waggled her eyebrows before turning back to the growing crowd.

"Look at that blush folks! If you also need a bodyguard for the night, she is able to go 48 hours without sleep and still function properly! Let's start the bidding at 20 dollars!"

Hermione took a deep breath and then walked about the stage, smiling and waving at the people shouting out prices. It was after she had made her way back to center stage that a pair of men in the back caught her attention. Both of them were tall, easily able to look over the excited crowd.

"A Hundred!" Luna shouted out, drawing Hermione's attention. She laughed at Ginny's betrayed face and shook her head.

"Okay, you guys, my wife is bidding for this hot chick up on stage with me. I need you to beat her so I have someone to cuddle with tonight."

Hermione laughed, throwing her head back as the bidders started up-ing their prices once more.

"Two hundred!" A deep voice called out. It was one of the men who had caught her eye previously. He was draped in black, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. His hair was pulled back and his eyes bore into hers. The man next to him was grinning, scars running across his face at different angles. They were dangerous looking.

"Two-fifty!" Harry called out, turning to glare at the men behind him.

"Three hundred!" This time it was the man with scars. His grin had gone feral, and when he straighten his spine, Hermione shivered.

She knew that Harry and Luna both only had three hundred dollars on them, they couldn't go any higher.

"Do I hear Three-ten? Going once! Going twice? Sold to the lovely man in the back!"

Hermione turned to look at her friend, and Ginny shrugged.

"You can come up and collect your prize for the night. Although, do be careful. She bites."

The two men pushed away from the wall and stalked forward, the crowd parting like grass in their wake. When they reached the edge of the stage, the one with the ponytail held out a hand.

"Thank you for your generous bid!" Ginny came over cautiously, sending a smile to Hermione. "If you would follow Hermione over to the lovely lady in white, she'll gather your money and then you can spend the next three hours attempting to woo our frigid beauty here."

At her wife's words Luna stood up and headed towards the back of the stage, motioning for the bidder and his friend to follow. Hermione bit her lip and looked down at the man with the outstretched hand. He raised an eyebrow at her and gave his hand a little shake.

Well then, if he wanted to act like that, Hermione would play his game. Her eyes narrowed and she frowned at the man before turning her head away and walking off the stage. A grin crossed her face as the audience chuckled behind her.

"Alright folks! The next item is this lovely young man..."

Ginny's voice faded into the background and Hermione dashed over to the blonde.

"Luna!" The two embraced before Hermione pulled back. "I don't like the feel of this Luna. Why did they both come up to the stage? Only one of them made the bid!"

"Calm down," Luna soothed, her voice soft. "I'm sure it's because they're brothers or friends."

"Neither."

The voice came from behind them and Hermione quickly spun around, eyes wide. She hadn't heard either of the men approach, and yet they were both standing there. The one with the scars was leaning against the one dressed in all black. Now that they were closer, Hermione was even more unnerved. The one with the scars was dressed in jeans and a jumper, faded stripes running across his chest. If it weren't for the scars nor the grin still on his face, he could've passed for a teacher.

"I'm Remus and this is Severus, my husband. We pooled our money in order to win the bidding war." The grin softened slightly and Remus nudged his husband in the side.

"If you don't mind, we'd like to take you to dinner after stopping by my workplace." Severus spoke up after sending a glare to the other man. Hermione was left blinking as the dangerous vibe that had existed was quickly left in the wake of an adorable married couple. She was torn between relief that they would not be trying to bed her and disappointment that they would not even be attempting to bed her.

Emotions.

"She'll go," Luna spoke up from where she had been silently observing the trio. "Your aura's are all very bright right now, and I'm sure that Hermione would like to hang onto that just a little bit longer."

Hermione sighed and nodded. "I'll do it, but I get to decide the place to eat."

The two men exchanged a glance before turning back with matching grins, and once again, a shiver ran down her spine.

"We can agree to that."

The money was quickly handed over to Luna, and then Hermione was sent off with a wink.

"So how far away is your work?" Hermione glanced at Severus as she walked between the men. (Which was unnerving, as it felt like they were herding her.) "Are we walking the whole way or do you have a car?"

"We have a van, because it's easier to transport the supplies we need." Severus was the one who answered her as Remus chuckled.

"Please tell me that it's not a murder van," Hermione begged. "I did not get sold for three hundred dollars as murder food."

Both men pulled to a stop and stared at her with different levels of credulousness on their faces. Remus' mouth opened before closing and reopening.

"That is not a reassuring reaction, gentleman." Hermione swallowed hard and took a step away from the two men.

"We do not own a murder van." It was Severus again, only this time he was smirking. Hermione had the fleeting thought of handsome before Remus was bursting into laughter, doubling over to clutch at his stomach. A sigh sounded from Severus, and a glance in his direction revealed him to be pinching the bridge of his nose. A giggle escaped Hermione's mouth, and she slapped a hand over the orifice, turning away with a blush.

"I just can't believe you came with us, thinking we were going to murder you!" Remus exclaimed, straightening up and wiping at his eyes. "Severus and I own a bakery. It's easier to transport desserts when you don't have to worry about bugs or rain ruining the treat on the way to the location."

"Oh." Hermione blinked at the explanation. "Neither of you look like bakers? It's one of the reasons I thought you were going to kill me."

"You..." Severus turned to look at her with a deadpan expression. "You thought we were going to kill us, and you still came with us? Are you ignorant or do you just have a death-wish?"

Hermione raised an eyebrow at the question and Remus sucked in a breath. He kept looking back and forth between the two, and Hermione thought that if his head swiveled any faster his neck would snap.

"I have a black belt in three different styles of martial arts, and I teach self defense classes on Wednesdays. Not only did you have to show ID's to get into the auction, but Luna and Ginny both now that if I don't respond to them in five minutes of a text or call them something's wrong. You would be caught within the following 48 hours of my disappearance. So I'm going to go with the third option of ignoring my overactive mind in favor of logic."

Remus was grinning wider and wider with each word that passed from her lips and Hermione wondered what the normal reaction to this type of attitude was. Severus was looking at her with an almost approving light in his eyes, and then he nodded at her before turning and continuing their paused walk to the van.

"Everyone is normally afraid of his glares and large words," Remus explained softly as he fell into step with Hermione. "I think he enjoys it when we find people who are not only willing to speak their minds, but are intelligent to give an actual argument. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to pull you into a debate over dinner."

Hermione blushed at his words, and turned her head to look straight ahead. "I just didn't like him assuming that I was stupid."

"I didn't say you were stupid." Severus was leaning against a large grey van, arms crossed. "I asked if you were ignorant. There's a difference."

"Both words give the connotation of a lack of intelligence, so I don't see the difference between them." Hermione smiled brightly, before stepping up to the door and pulling it open. "Now, I believe you said you had to stop by your work before I could take you two to dinner?"

A snicker from Remus had Severus moving around to the driver's side, calling out for the two to either get in or be left in the cold.


End file.
